afraid of

thermodynamics and fluid mechanics

both are killer subjects, i know it, but i didn't revise anything. playing n playing n playing...

please Johnny, can you forgive me if shut you for a few days, after then, i'll back too you. will you? please please...

ps: my laptop name johnny,
my late pendrives name depp
my handphone now name vanessa..ahaha

so not healthy

went to Kangar yesterday to buy shoes.. at the same time, try to look for a new cloth. i found it but... i can't fit in it. then, that aunty(the one who own the shop) ask me to go for a check. it attracts me so much.

when i went there, i've been asked to do the weighting. and i know that i am so not healthy.damn!

>>weight : 85.9 kg
>>body fat : 47.9 % (or those who are age below 30, they should have arround 17 to 24 %)
>>muscle mass : 42
>>physical rating : 3 group..( means i'm soldly build. in the other word quite obese)
>> kcal : 1518 (damn! high calories)
>> bone mass : 27 kg
>> visceral fat : 11 (supposed to have between 1-5)

should be a lot of effort i think. no think. i should!

everytime

everytime i think about the future, i'll be terrified. i'm not perfect. i don't know if i can plan my future from now.

i'm fat! horrible. not pretty as well. not even the "calon menantu mak mentua".

when i think about it, i'll imagine myself, alone.

but then,someone tells there's still a guy who still one his partner as *can be hugs* satisfiedly. there's still a guy who didn't care ho about the girls look. i think, there'still at least a guy who didn't care about the look. but will i find that kind of man?

today, i ask again my friend, what if i never get thinner? what if in the future i end up dead without getting married? then he asked me back " what is my principles on getting married?" and i said," god willing". somehow i realise, why should i care about my look just to find the "MR.RIGHT"?

i'll do it for my health. no more for those people who want me to be perfect. i'm me, i'm the one who choose my path. and i won't care what people going to say about me anymore.

and i think, i have found the last me who was lost since 2 years ago. i'm back..

thanks Khusairy Yahya, for make me realize about it, thanks for spending your time with me and didn't pick up ur GF call ((sorry girl. you're lucky one to have him, even sometimes he's quite annoying)), thanks to shuhud, for supporting me. i'll memorize you guys so much..

full stop.

saturday~~~

7.00 a.m, looked at mr. P. continue sleeping, but feeling worst. phonecall my friend, and if she'll be going for the ko-k, she said no. she has to move to Simpang Empat. she's a P3K student. they have to move out from wang ulu.. kesian...

call my classmate, Hajar. no answer. i wake up, having my bath, and look back at MR. P. Hajar says she's wearing her clothes.

7.15 am, i guess i'm late. where's my hand sock? searching, wear it, take my umbrella, put it in the bag and went out.

7.25 am, i know i'm late. keletuk keletak, my sandal sounds while i'm stepping down the stairs. call hajar, and she said she's walking to the Palapes block. wait for her there, then when by bus... finally, not late after all. still manage to catch bus.. akakak

8.00 am. wait for the door to open.

9.00 am, the instructor come and the class start. before, i have announced to those who are interested to join choir club, they can register with me. ahahah. and then there was an audition for the new comers for the 2nd MSK. i didn't heard anyone singing.. i don't care, but there's a girl, and she's playing piano so beautifully. playing my favourite classical song, Pachebel Canon, but i didn't know what key. ngeh3.

10.00 am, walked to Kangar and heading to Yamaha music center there. my violin string rusting already. so i bought A and E strings. and i asked them, if i want to leearn piano, how much will it be. and they said it's only cost RM 55. OK. so, i'll be taking it next sem..ahha.

that's all i guess. still amazed of that girl..gosh..

unstable

i'm a girl ok.. so do understand me why i am so unstable now..huhu

i try my best to not emotionally disturb, try to contol my temper and try to control my sadness. i already have a lot of problems and i don't want to find any to give me more burden.. ngeh3

somehow i wonder why in my last2 post, it's all sounds i'm mad of something.harsh.angriness. maybe, i post them during my time.. well of course not all, but maybe certain. others... maybe because i'm really mad.

i'm not a kind of person who will express my feeling at that time. i'll keep it myself, when the time arrives, i'll exploded. enough about my mood for now.

we have two classes today... engineering math and ethnics relation.. math as usual, i'm bad in class. but damn good at home. so just now, our lecturer gives us 5 question and as usual i was kinda blurr with those question.. looks easy, but, i don't know where to start,so, i keep dong those question i know until...

lecturer: Nur Syahidatul Anis??
me: *rise up my hand*
lecturer: you do number 3
(( all conversation is in Malay language. just translate it))

what the heck? that is the question i don't know. and it's exactly the same type of the tutorial question i left out because i don't know how to do.. she already gives us the hint, but, i didn't listen, so i missed out.
so i said to her to teach me again... and know what? the work out are damn hell easy, and i was like, "that's it?"
and after a while, i manage to get the answer, show it infront of the class and also i able to teach other people. hehhe.. thanks mdm. i want to be one if she ask for any volunteer next time.. i understand them much easier than stay quiet in the class.

and we rest for the next 3 hours before went to another class. ethnic relation. bored. our lecturer is so-so. ok. but the topics, i don't know why lately i'm so not interested in history and facts. maybe because my head is so full of the un-processed fact from the last two semester. i can't accept anything in the class. it's so important for me to get the lecture notes, so that i can study them at home.

enough for today. it's 8.52 pm, and i still haven't have my bath. it's cold here. raining. makes me sleepy and soaked!

emotionally disturbed

not really actually. i'm tired of keep following my heartsick. luckily i got no one that i stick with now.

i currently listen to teardrops on my guitar. keep playing it again and again. why? because i feel that the song is so about me. but the different is, he's not my bestfriend, but my friend. and everyime i heard he said he falls in love, i'll hurt. because he's not into me. i know i can't ask him to fall in love with me but, facing the situation, i still didn't know to handle it.

and now, i'm trying to avoid him. and i'll try my best to not get into this kind of problem anymore. as i said before, i'm sick with my heartsick.

here's the lyric

teardrops on my guitar

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see

what a sophomore?

hahha.. i know that my english language is not good... even to wrote these two sentences also i keep delete then wrote it back.. and i'm not sure if the first sentences after "hahha" is correct. but i'm trying to improve myself. i'm damn confident to speak with other people in english, but when i write and essay, damn! i'm worst! huhu. enough introduction

i recently watched "Assasination of High School President" and i'm quite interested with the word "sophomore". i didn't really know what is the meaning of the word and i just ignore it. don't expect me to be a nice student with a dictionary on my desk. i'm not that kind.

i'm still doubt about my course actually, so i went to find about biosystem engineering in other university, and guess what, there's a lot of universities in the world offer the course. and i try to interact with one of the professor of the other university, and he said "there are a lot of job opportunities for those in the course". phew, glad at least.

and i found again the word sophomore. then i ask my friend and she check her dictionary and it state that sophomore = second year student.

ahaha... so i can say myself as a sophomore.. i'm a 2nd year student this new academic session.

and we have two killer subjects this term. fluid mechanics and thermodynamics.. i always change them into fluid dynamics and termofluids... heheh.. and our lecturer keep asking us to aware of these two subjects. first 3 chapter, it looks easy, but then, it's getting harder and harder and harder.

we have computer aided system for biosystem engineering, and we deal with Autocad. seriously, i love this subjects, but last year, i used Autocad 2002. more complicated. now we used Autocad 2007. and i was like "why is it so easy o trim this? why we didn't have to explode those objects first?" complicated to easy one. it takes me a week to accept.. ngeh3

engineering skills 2. i love this subjects actually. last year. but dealing with ORCAD this year, i really2 hate it. it's already hard for me to understand, then the lecturer didn't help much... he's too fast and when we didn't get it, he get mad. for god sake... i wish i have a "slow buton" so that he can make it slow. urghh

engineering math 3.. so far so good. but i think the next two chapter will be hard. don't wanna kill myself, so better try my best this term

i'm not really sure if i'm going to be like the last term. i mean, last term, i'm quite busy with college activities, singing, bla bla bla. singing is to be highlight. i sings a lot here last term. but with the freshies, i'm not sure if i'm going to sing again. just wait and see. hee~~~

note:// i found the words Freshman Year, Junior year, sophomore year and senior year. my logical thinking says 1st year= freshman year, senior year= last year... if sophomore is 2nd year, then junior year??? how come our senior is a junior?? heheheh

July 18, 2010....(see whose name inside)

I'm crediting people who wish me on my 20th birthday.. with few categories..

5 person by phone

* ayah
* mama
* aini
* syifa
* hajar


5 person by citra(another FB account)

* farid
* fatimah
* hajar
* kah kit
* yan


by skype

* ayu(unimap)
* mirul
* tiqah
* hartono
* fiqah
* alia(unimap)


by YM

* jaki
* chokee


10 first person by FB

* hajar
* kah kit
* ijan
* asnita
* ayu(matrix)
* Kua
* haziq
* che na
* eisya
* Cik Jamaliah


by tagging in a post

* k che da
* alan
* shila


trivia

* the first person who wish me is my dad, followed by my mum with difference 5 second time messages received.
* the first birthday i didn't get any wish from my ex-s
* got two birthday present, both from my classmates
* first present was in the morning of july 18, about 11 o' clock by Rozell.. it's a donut
* 2nd present was by the next day july 19 evening, about 5 o'clock( not sure.. i'm sleeping) by Aini.. it's a cake
* don't wish to put the last person name who wish me, because he wish me late 1 hour after july 18.. means 1 o' clock july 19. but still, there's a lot who wish me damn late.. but it's ok..heheh
* received a lot of wish from unexpected person..ngeh3.. for example, from someone i've crushed on him before.. ahaks..
* i'm fasting that day.. never expecting that.. it comes all of sudden.


that's all i guess.. thanks to those who wish me..love you people so much....

i just want

2 years ago, when i went for matrix, it's been a historic time for me.. at that time, a lot of things changes. maybe because of the unstable hormones, i was like so easy to fall in love. everytime i met this guy, i will say..."gosh, he's so cute", "goodness, he's so handsome", " i hope he fall for me" and bla bla bla. but by the end, it end up worst. he has someone else, he likes someone else, he does not like to flirt, he's a gay(hahah..just joking).

the most important thing is, i always fall for someone who is unsuitable for me...and by the end,i'm hurt.. bad mood all the time, forgot all the things that i should do as a student, disturb others life (my friend of course, shila, ayu, a'an, dll), and most of all finished a lot of money (phone creadit) and time.

at that time, i felt nothing than disturbed. i can't focus.. in matrix i like 3 people, i stalked two person and 1 person make friend with me, but then we end up because he feels away from ALLAH.

i feel like being dump, even though i'm not really dump by this people. but still i'm hurt. so at 2009 February/March, i have said something. everyday, everytime i feel hurt.

"Ya Allah, please keep my heart close from any other man in my life. open it wide just for me to accept and gain knowledge for my best in the future"

every day, until i finished my matrix. when the things happened again in Unimap, again i repeat the same 'doa'.

but all of this happened n the year of 2008 and 2009... it's 2010 now. and after the last fall in love with the person, it seems like i never fall in love with any other people. at least for almost 8 months (november-july).

somehow, i'm afraid. listening to my friends talking about their boyfriends, it makes me feels something. i don't know, it's not jealous, but afraid... afraid i end up dead without getting married.hahah..maybe??

i want someone to love me. in return, i'll love him back. others from my family, because i always love them no matter what.

so... my answer for the title is...(i'll recite is as 'doa');

"Ya Allah, please give me one last love (from a man that i can legally married) and let the love to the marriage..."

AMIN..

last post from somewhere i call as home

yup... i'm at home... well at least not at my house... right now, i'm at my opah's house in Kuala Kangsar, Perak and of course Malaysia.

i'm heading to the north actually, as this evening my new term will start.. and im already a senior..no longer a junior.. i'm a second year this term, phew.. so many to learn and so many kiler subject from my first impression on the course name..

i believe something will change his year. i'm afraid that i will no longer active like before. something happened maybe. ngeh3. funy isn't it? i'm predicting..ngeh3..

owh... i re-read my last posts. and i see a lot of moody there.. i'll try my best for the next post. well GTG...daaa people..<3 <3 <3

what inside my heart

who knows? who really knows? inside here, nobody see. you may see me laugh, smiling, but inside here, who knows?

as a girl, i try myself to be fit with the surrounding. i'm a daughter to a married couple. a biological child to them. what i do, is trying to cope what my parent wants. but sometimes, what they want, i don't want to do it.

and sometimes, friends doesn't really help. few of them did, but some of them gives more burden. i just don't know to say "NO", it just gives them more opportunity to take me down.. not addressing this to anyone, but, those who do, will know

fighting with my own feeling, it makes me hurt enough. i'm sad, everyday seeing what happens in my life, i will always pray to my Allah, hoping that HE gives me strength to face all the challenges.

i love my family, my life, my friends, and i hope my sacrifices will give a good return.

InsyaAllah~