I'm sorry

i'm sorry anis

because i didn't stand for you.. i keep down to my self. to someone who are unable to stand up and speak for you

i'm sorry anis

because i cause you a lot of trouble. if i strong enough, you won't just fall in love

i'm sorry anis

because i'm weak. which cause you to have a lot of hope even by simple words

i'm sorry anis

because i never try to be strong without love

i'm sorry anis

for every single things that has cause you hurt for what ever i want.

.............................................

and i just can say

"it's not ur fault wahai hati... it's my fault. because it's me who should control you. bukan kamu yang control saya. ikut kata hati. tak semua kata hati perlu saya turutkan."

and today,

wahai hati.. kuatkanlah dirimu, aku aku turut menjadi kuat. aku tak gagal, cuma aku baru bermula... maka dengan ini, biarlah engkau tinggal kosong tanpa perkara2 yang bisa menyeksakan hatimu, dan penuhkan dirimu wahai hati dengan ilmu dari segenap sudut. agar tiada ruang buat kekecewaan menumpang walau sekelumit di bahagian mu.

apa yang berlaku hari ni, jadikan semangat buat aku, yang bergelar wanita. aku mahu berjaya! itu yang aku mahu.. aku tak mahu perkara lain buat sementara waktu.

ps:// i actually think that allah is fullfill my doa once before.. i want one last love, and i want that love for a marriage... i think Allah really fullfill my doa.. so why should i be sad? i should be gratefull. shouldn't i? yes i should!

saya rasa pelik, nape eh?

something wrong.yes.wrong. ntah hape hape.

i wanna post bout yesterday. just a few. semalam join pertandingan 60an kat kangar ni ha. everything was going fine in the beginning, masuk saringan, lepas saringan, masuk final, buat rehearsal. every single thing is fine. but then bila tiba kat final, damn it! pecah! hampeh betul.

what i didn't understand is why? padahal, semuanya elok awal2, bila tarikh penting everything is spoil. masalahnya, bukan setakat nyanyian, even buat experiment pun suma tak jadi. apa yang berlaku nih?

nervous??

nervous ke? hurm... masa belakang stage tu, memang gila nervous. tapi bila naik stage tu, trus cuba hilangkan nervous.. berjaya. tapi, mungkin bila dah nervous tu, nafas dah habis, jadi tak dapat nak tarik ngan betul. serious, i'm real dissapointed with myself, because i know i can do better than yesterday, but shit la... nape lah jadi cam ni.

everytime nak perform masalahnya. i think it start from preview festkum. belakang pentas confident, bila atas stage, nervous tak hilang, trus performance jadi teruk. damn it lah... nape ni wahai NUR SYAHIDATUL ANIS? apa masalah anda sebenarnya?

mungkinkah saya mengalami masalah tak confident pada diri sendiri? pada bakat sendiri? i really don't know the answer. but sometimes, i know i have talent, but, maybe yes, i don't really confident with it.. sabar je lah..

or maybe i have a stage fright?

from http://www.ehow.com/how_4868091_overcome-stage-fright-singing.html

1. Acquire complete comfort with your performance material. When you are singing, you should focus on the execution rather than frantically attempt to remember lyrics, notes and entrances. Natural nervousness can amplify into full-blown stage fright when you are not secure with the material.

2. Thoroughly warm up your vocal chords and body before a performance. The first affects of stage fright can strongly increase tension in the throat and various muscles throughout the body. Preempt this problem by doing vocal warm-ups, moderate limb stretches and deep breathing exercises.

3. Immerse yourself in the appropriate emotions of the piece and allow your performance to follow suit. Vocal performance is not only entertaining but cathartic for both the singer and the audience. Staying in the moment, as opposed to anticipating mistakes or mishaps that haven't even happened, will push your stage fright to the back your mind.

4. Connect with your audience. One of the scariest things about performing is the idea that everyone's eyes are on you and you alone. You can overcome this fear by feeding on the attention of the audience rather than dreading it. Make eye contact with individual members as if you were the only two in the room, essentially drawing them into your performance.

5. Genuinely enjoy yourself. This might sound simple, but it's easy to allow the anxiety of singing in front of an audience to eclipse the reasons you wanted to sing in the first place. Replace the pressure of not making a mistake with the intention of having a great time.

i should apply this.in future.i hope

in this nearly 21 year of living

i now know what is the real meaning of "group working"

group working is:

a few of people who put their name in a colony, but only few do their works while maybe 1 or two just being a parasit, watching other people do their works.

ps:// maaflah saya jadi "penumpang"

mood: bengang ngan macam2 orang.. parasit n org lain buat kerja, dia dapat nama.. geram? sorry for those harsh words. sape makan cili, dia rasa pedas

something to learn

last few days pergi uthm, utk join festival keroncong makum. bertolak hari khamis pagi sampai khamis malam kat UTHM. memang tak buat apa dah.. penat gila.. sampai2 je trus mandi2 then tido sampai pagi tu.

owh ye, saya tak sempat mengundi utk pemilihan MPP UniMAP. ni ada lah nak sesat kan topik. this is the first time unimap buat pilihan raya. before this, masa unimap tak buat pilihan raya, suma sibuk ckp unimap tade PRK. then tengok kali ni, bila ada buat pilihan raya, ada plak yang malas nak turun mengundi.. KASI LUKU JE KEPALA BEBUDAK EDUCATED NIH. banyak cakap tapi action tak buat.

well aku tak ngundi sebab, masa aku nak mengundi tu, kena beratur sangat panjang sebab tenet sangat lembab. tak sempat nak daftar. then dorang decided transfer student pergi kampung wai utk mengundi.. mana dan aku nak pi kampung wai.. bas nak gi UTHM da sampai ULU. so, terpaksa la tinggalkan aja... zip mouth kalo calon pilihan aku tak jadi MPP. huhuhu

sambung cita kat UTHM tu. at first we thought ada lah bengkel keroncong. rupa2nya tak de plak. datang2 trus rehearsal key and hari ahad tu trus bertanding. and know what, bertanding pagi.. damn it.

something happened that morning. waktu menyanyi tu, suara kuar suara ayam. hahah.. maybe sebab tak cukup warm up suara. banyak buat breathing je. haish.. yes i damn dissapointed with my self. first because keroncong is one of my favourite. always perform this kind of song kalu kat luar. unfortunately, because tak ready betul2 i fail.

but at least i do learn something from here. first, do have enough preparation before going for a competition, do have a good warm up, and do not give a high expectation.

seriously, i tak rasa kecewa tak menang, just kecewa with myself because i know i can do better then what i do there. but future, i'll try my best from what happened in keroncong 2011.

fortunately, our band get 3rd place. and sangat respect budak2 UPSI. sangat smart arrangemnt korang. 2nd time represent UniMAP main violin, memang this time, i gain a lot of experiences.
congrats to all of you.. next time try to do better

ps:// i really really really really really miss ISMMA. and also my life in SGB. feels like i didn't depend on people to guide me while playing violin and something that i can say there was 'the top of my life'. i really need that violin spirit right now. i really2 miss you all.. and i miss myself