FRIENDS

there's one time that i've said something and someone get mad because of what i said.

i said "i don't really have friends," and they replied "so, we're not your friends?".. and then i fell silent.

up to what point should we consider that someone is your friend? well this is my idea.

friend is just  somebody who is close to you, understand you and won't betray you.

and because i didn't believe people anymore, there's no such word in my life. there might be some of the people that i know understand me, never betray my trust, and close to me.. that i didn't consider as friend. that is bestfriend. bestfriend knows everything, understand you, care about you. there's such people ever exist in my life. that's the reason why i said "i don't really have friend"

this year, another definition of friend that i learn. friend is someone near to you, take advantage on what you have, betray your trust. i learn that this year. and from that time, i always consider what are you to me? everyone. every single person.

i'm not a good friend. i know. but why should i be one to someone who's not a good friend to me. up to the point that you betray my trust with the word 'help', i don't think that it's worth to have you as friend.

one more point, friend won't leave their friend when they have another friend. -reflect-

ps:// emotional rant. sorry.
ps://ps:// i wonder why. but i just won't pointing hand. please point your hand on me. then i'll start talking.
ps://ps://ps:// i'm a volcano.. for those who didn't understand that word, i just won't get mad at the moment. i'll keep it untill one time, i'll explode
ps://ps://ps://ps://for the last2 post, the friend word, it's just a word.

you may not know it.. but

...

THIS IS WHERE I CHANGE

...

ps:// i rant a lot here before, and that'll never change.
ps://ps:// it's much better for me to be sincere with my thought since a lot of people tend to make shit on me.
ps://ps://ps:// i'm still an Arashi fan, not because i wanna be jelly jelly with them, but because they are my major source of happiness. so OF YOU GO if you can't handle the fangirl side of mine..(esp kpop lover)
ps://ps://ps:// serious side of mine. F*** off if you try to make fun of it. i'm 22 this year, and i already feel the burden i'm going to hold this coming years

menjenguk blog

ahahah.. dah lama tak update kan??? well, malas nak menaip.. ok, itu tipu.

nothing special actually happened in my life. so, tak de menda nak update.

tapi satu menda yang sure. bila balik umah, punya la takde menda nak update, bila dah balik U, suma menda nak tulis.. erk???

that's all people.. bye2.. kalo ada masa nnt saya tulis pasal gi medan ye :)

cerita aku

masa aku kecik2 dulu,

aku hope aku cepat besar,

sebab orang besar banyak duit.

boleh beli sticker banyak2,

nak lekat kat pensil box,

nampak cantik and meriah je.

masa aku kecik2 dulu,

aku hope aku cepat besar,

sebab orang besar boley beli macam2.

masa tu aku nak sangat buku warna2.

yang gambar barbie tu.

siap aku cakap, lau aku besar nnt, aku nak beli banyak2.

boley main warna-warna.

masa aku kecik2 dulu,

aku hope aku cepat besar,

sebab aku nak sangat pakai cd walkman.

pakai tu nampak cam mewah gila lah..

masa aku kecik2 dulu,

aku hope aku cepat besar,

sebab orang besar boleh beli macam2 (reason ni lagi)

aku nak patung barbie.

tapi tak dapat..

so aku harap aku cepat besar ada duit sendiri,

boleh beli apa aku nak.

tapi lately,

aku gi pasar malam,

ada orang jual sticker, buku colouring ngan mainan.

aku terpikir, dah besar camni, ada lagi ke orang yang main benda2 cam tu?

tak bestnye bila dah besar

siyes~~

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to be honest, if people ask me to recall what is the best memories that i have when i am a child (since born till 12 years old), i don't think i have a good memories to remember. my child life is not fun after all. when i was a child, or to be exact, when i was born, my father salary is only RM200 at that time. potong2 bayar bil suma, agak2 cukup ke untuk sebulan?

so that, i don't really have toys. as i could recall, my toys is from my grown up cousins who didn't need them anymore. so they give it to me. at that moment, receiving them is a bless.. walaupun dah buruk. and i still keep them in my room.

and everytime we went out, of course, as a child, i do have those feeling to want those kind of things. but what my mum said,"tak mo lah, mama tak de duit lah nis," and from what my mum told me, tade pulak i hentak2 kaki sebab tak dapat benda tu. sulking, i'm sure i do it, even my mum didn't say anything about it.

i guess that's the reason why, when i grow up, i value a lot of things. i have this habit of finding the lowest price instead the quality one with the high price. and i have this bad habit of lying. when my dad ask me,"do you have money right now?" i'll say i have, even i don't really have it... and sometimes, i'll let my account to be zero for a few weeks before i ask for some.

i didn't say i'm a good child after all. what i try to say is, i really hate seeing a child being spoiled too much.. seriously.. bila tak dapat sikit, hentak2 kaki, tarik muka masam macam muka lubang tandas. contoh terdekat, my brother.

since our family has become a little bit better than before, from what i see, both my mum and my dad spoil my brother too much. it's kinda annoying actually seeing he'll get what he wants.

i won't spoil him. that's my promise. i'll treat him like what my mum and my dad treat me last time. because i think how they treat me has produce what i am right now.

i've make a decision...

i'll reactivate my facebook account which have a lot of friends in it once i'll travel away from unimap.. that's it...

(which will happened in 2 weeks time i guess)

ps: too much drama is not good you know.. i hate it because it always appear good infront while in fact, it is sucks!

ps:ps: thanks for making up my day... ARASHI :P

shock with myself

this past few weeks, i personally feel that i've change a lot. i don't really like to talk, but everytime i talk, all that i blurted out are nonsense. well, kinda of jokes actually, and all of them are not making any senses. and today, i made another decision:

i decided to deactivate my facebook account. the one that i have "a lot of friends". somehow, i feel that i spend to many time "watching drama" in there, so i decided to deactivate it. yes, it temporary, but i don't know until when.. i just don't have any feeling in my heart to open it, unless if something damn important for me to re-activate it back.

yes, i have another FB account, but for time being, i'll let it be for my classmates, family and the one who i want too.

i'm shocked because i believe everyone knows i'm an internet addicted. to be exact, facebook addicted. so, me, deactivating FB is something that not many people expect me to do so. yes, i didn't online with skype before, but, i'll install it later. and i'll be active in twitter and myspace after this as i really love to write. don't ask me why i deactivate my FB so many time. for now, i just need some privacy... that's the reason why, the other fb is for me, my family and the people i trust.

thats all...

((i might be outdated for active in myspace and weird for active in twitter, but, i guess, that is the only way.. ahhh.. tsukareta!!))

saya bukan sombong, tapi....

saya tak friendly... fact yang memang sangat susah nak ubah... which i don't think i really wanna change it..

well, not really actually. once, i know them, normally i will definitely be a talkative person... whenever i meet a new people, i don't really be the one who begin the conversation... once i feel awkward being a viewer of a conversation, then only i start talking...

so, to whoever begin a conversation with me, i'm sorry that i behave that kind of behaviour.. it has become a habit.. i can't change it easily as i have become so comfortable with that behaviour..

try to ask my classmates, i don't usually talk a lot, unless i want to. so, sorry people... i'm really sorry...

so in a conclusion, "saya tak sombong, tapi saya tak friendly on a first time knowing you guys.. it takes time"

sekian terima kasih

ps:// hectic week people.. siyesly.. class yang tertinggal nak kena cover balik.. coih... tolong maafkan saya ye suma.. jangan kecik ati...
ps:ps:// life of a fangirl is tiresome and bothersome.. damnit

kemenangan bukan milik saya

this is not a dissapointed post, it is something to mention. hik...

al-kisah... selasa malam, 11.50 pm... somehow, private number appear on my phone screen... kepelikan sangat jelas disitu, sebab biasa kalo private no nih, sorang je... En Wan. so, dijadikan cerita, aku pun angkat telefon and he asked me to go to HEP by the very next morning... ok, dah tak sedap hati dah.. ni mesti kes last2 minit nih... adoi...

jadi hari rabu pagi tu, aku pun pergilah ke HEP, sampai pukul 9 pg, then masuk je pejabat en wan, dengar lagu then trus start practice sampai pukul 2 ptg... then malam tu sambung balik.

sesi latihan jangan ceritalah... aku nikan penakut high not.. high note memang hancur. then ad-lib yang ntah hape2... berapa kali kena tegur... jadi insiatifnye ialah aku wat fake note kat setiap ad-lib yang kena buat.. bengong kan???

ari khamis, aku tak de latihan sebabnya pagi aku ada kelas, petang en wan plak ada hal ngan intake pelajar baru, malam plak aku ada kelas. jadinya, aku pun tak berlatihan lah ari tu... ari khamis tu just cari baju n try settle kan suma je

then jumaat pagi, settlekan baju suma, and practice for two hours something je... malam jumaat supposed dah sampai UPSI but maybe terlalu penat, so kiteorg pergi sabtu pagi... so total practice hanya berapa jam je... scary ok tak cukup latihan nih... adehhh...

then sampai upsi, first day takde wat apa2... malam tu kiteorg gi tgk yang nyanyian solo punya pertandingan... ahh..sangat sedap suara sorang2... and aku sebenarnya sangat cuak malam tu memikrkan high note yang sangat goyah. so malam tu, dalam kereta pergi tasik kat proton city tu, sambil tu nyanyi practice dalam kereta..

sampai pukul 2 pagi kot... penat gila... tu pun en wan suruh wat showmanship malam tu.. siyes da tak larat. then balik bilik trus tido... pagi tu bangun lambat then trus gi wat latihan pentas... disebabkan ada record utk RTM, so rehearsal sampai ke petang.. letih tol. band plak salah main masa rehearsal RTM tu... at that time memang cuak larr... bukan salah main sebenarnya... dorang tak update ngan score baru... so, ada kekeliruan disitu..

malam tu, make up suma RTM yang wat... just aku wat tudung je la... adeh.. pening pale den memikirkan camne nak wat tudung tu... but siyesly, for me, costume bukan important pun.. kalo pakai cantik2 nyanyi cam hampeh apa guna?

itula yang berlaku malam tu.. evrything seems ok at first.. suma tade masalah... low note suma bley control... but then the last note, hancur!!! pecah kot!!! malu aku.. adoiiiii... masa rehearsal ok je... huhuhu..

nak tau tak sebab apa? sebabnya aku lupa nak amik nafas masa part yang sepatutnya aku amik nafas.. and another reason is, suara aku da serak time b4 nyanyi pun... ahh.. dissapoint tol aku time tu... bukan dissapoint sebab apa, tapi dissapoint sebab aku bawak lagu orang kot... lagu baru... cuak yang amat time tu...

turun je stage adoiiiii, rasa sangat serba salah!! nak ckp ngan en wan pun rasa cam "adoiii, bersalahnyaa"... a lot of time aku ckp sorry, but still tak hilang rasa bersalah tu....

malam tu nasib menyebelahi kami... Inspirasi merdeka, lagu baru yang dicipta oleh en Izwan Izhar dan lirik Qauyum "and" Mimi, berjaya meraih tempat ke-2.... clap3... 3rd place goes to UM and 1st place goes to USIM.

why i said kemenangan bukan milik saya... yang menang itu lagu, bukan penyanyi... hell impossible for a singer yang dah terpecah suara waktu perform boleh menang, betul tak? so yang membantu kemenangan kami ialah lagu dan lirik.. saya hanya penyampai lagu...

the real congrats should go to en wan and qauyum... not to me actually, saya hanya menumpang... :) adoiii

itu je lah... as i said earlier, this is not a dissapointed post... this is just to mention something, to who should the real congrats be... and another story is, saya hanya gfestanti orang untuk pergi wakil tu. heheheh... i wish i can do better next time..i hope... goodness!! please lah...

ps:// somehow, i've been cursed with 2nd place lately... festkapp 2nd place, festkum 2nd place, ni patriotik pun 2nd lagi... eh. not me lah... unimap.... hik

so much to tell

but before that;

congrats to team nasyid belia 4b perlis

huhuhu... they won 1st place untuk pertandingan nasyid belia kebangsaan 2011 baru-baru ni.. eeheh.. congrats.. you guys sure the best.. ye lahhh.. tengok la sape yang masuk pun.. taiko2 terbesar nasyid and performance... kak balqis, qauyum, azuan, redza, fatin, n others... suma nama-nama besar kot.. hik3... not only johan for nasyid ok.. best solo too...warghhh sangat menyesal tak mintak cuti gi support dorang...

and more...

congrats to pasukan kompang belia 4b perlis..

they won 1st place too.. ahahah.. ni pun taiko2 gak yang masuk... ahhh...credits goes to their trainer too... congrats.. tak sia2 berlatih.. heheheh...

so here we go the 2nd stories...

well, i'm officially a fangirl of arashi now.. kuso!!! hahahah... gomen gomen.... somehow i hate an addicted life.. last year i am so into johnny depp, and this year i am so into Arashi which lead to this

yes, i bought their concert dvd for my own birthday present, my own money.. cost RM 30 something.. but worth it for me.. i don't really get present this year... all i got is in form of money RM 50 from my father's friend which I spend it for harry potter, cinema and food..and another RM 200 i got it from my aunt, which i spend RM 60 for Al-Quran with translation and RM 100 for a neclace with key and lock as its locket. ahhh... i'm biased with another RM 40??? MIA... ngee~~

ahhh.. right after i bought it, i watch it... woahhh.. kakkoii ne Arashi... daisuki desu!!! wargghhh... hontou ni suki!!! well, that shows the 'fangirl side' of mine... ahahahah...

speaking of present, yes, i'm now 21 years old.. it has been 2 decades i live in this world already... somehow the earth has become so old.. it's not stable anymore... so many earthquake nowadays... ahhh...there's so much to think about

so i guess that's the end of the post today... i wonder this time, how long am i going to be an Arashi fan.. wonder.... heee~~

till then, jaa ne~

last post before i turn 21

1 hour 20 minutes more... about that time... well, i'm not really 21 this 12.00 o'clock by the way... about 21 years ago, i was born somewhere about 16.46 pm... well i'm not sure about it.. it was written in my birth certificate. the hospital clock might be a lil bit fast or a lil bit late from the exact time.. plus minus i guess.. if everyone keeps thinking the way i am, then there'll be a very big argument about your time of birth.. heheh...

first of all, thanks mama for giving birth of me... through cesarean section... well to have me, it's quite trouble i guess... my mum experienced the placenta previa (have to search in the web to find what its name in English or medical term)... bad for her i guess. Thanks mama for having all those kind of trouble. i'm so sorry by the way. thanks to ayah also... for all the scientific process that takes place in "forming" me...

i don't know what exactly i want to say in this post. i guess it's not only about "thank you" things. i've been thinking a lot about what am i supposed to write for this entry.. i wanna make it special... but i don't know how. so i create a lot of question.

in this 21 years of living, have i ever feel glad of doing something that at first i am hesitate? i guess a lot. but not many... somehow, when i feel hesitate of doing the thing, it sure end up worst... but not all. there still something that i'm glad doing it. ahh.. i'm so not knowing how to elaborate this..

in this 21 years of living, is there anything that i really want and i didn't get? haa.. i'm not born into a bedtime stories which whatever they dream will come true. in fact, i have a lot of things that i want but i keep it secret... it's not about taking care of others feeling... but it is more to my own feeling by the way.. what if i keep hoping to have it yet nothing comes to me? by keeping it to myself, i guess, that's the only way i'll forget it.. if i have it later, i'll be so grateful. if i didn't get it, it will just fade away, the wish.

in this 21 years of living, is there anything that i feel regret of? i don't want to say this now. if i'm regret of what i'm doing, i'm afraid, there will be a lot of regret come in future. i fact, i'm afraid of the phrase "regret of what i'm doing". what i believe is, if i regret of doing this thing, anything related to this things in the future will be a big failure.

there're a lot of question that i have answer just now. but i guess only these 3 question i really want to share the answer.

i don't really remember my memories that i have before. somehow, i pray once before. "ya Allah, please just let the good memories to stay while the bad one, please take it away".... even there are still bad memories lingers in my head, but any kind of childhood memories that i guess is bad for me, i just can't remember it unless someone makes me remember it.. haha... i found it interesting by the way.. Thanks Allah..

somehow a lot of things I've got to experience... being a teacher, being a student, being a violinist, being a performer, being a phone seller... and i'm proud of it...

i'm not sure if i really have something more to say... i should stop.. i talk many ridiculous things after all... somehow it's bored... now it's left about 30 minutes before 12.00 am... this year, no celebration again.. i guess i stop celebrating my birthday since i am 18... i do celebrate my birthday last when i am 17... i wonder if i will celebrate again in future, but i think it's not really needed after all

up till now, i have 2 things that i really want.. soon or later if i didn't get it, i'll buy it myself.. and these two things, i wont forget as i already told someone that i want them... muahahaha...

*Al-quran with translation <--- i just want to know what is the meaning of every word i recite...*

*A necklace with key as a locket <--- i have one before, i guess i'm around 15 or 16 that time, but my mum says that if someone wear a necklace with key, it shows you're already 21... so i ask her to keep it for me and once i turn 21, i want it back... it cost only RM2 by the way... i ask her again this year if she still have it, but then she said,"entah ada, entah tidak" (in another word, she not sure if she still have it) (-.-"") so i guess, i need a new one. soon or later.. even if it cost 100 and above, i'm still going to find it and wear it.. for sure!!! that's it.. ngeh3

between: happy birthday to me :))) let me be the first to wish myself :D

thanks Allah for letting me to live up till now. even i'm not a good muslim, but as time flies, i wish to be a better one... to everyone else who read this, please pray for me... thanks a lot :))