I'm sorry

i'm sorry anis

because i didn't stand for you.. i keep down to my self. to someone who are unable to stand up and speak for you

i'm sorry anis

because i cause you a lot of trouble. if i strong enough, you won't just fall in love

i'm sorry anis

because i'm weak. which cause you to have a lot of hope even by simple words

i'm sorry anis

because i never try to be strong without love

i'm sorry anis

for every single things that has cause you hurt for what ever i want.

.............................................

and i just can say

"it's not ur fault wahai hati... it's my fault. because it's me who should control you. bukan kamu yang control saya. ikut kata hati. tak semua kata hati perlu saya turutkan."

and today,

wahai hati.. kuatkanlah dirimu, aku aku turut menjadi kuat. aku tak gagal, cuma aku baru bermula... maka dengan ini, biarlah engkau tinggal kosong tanpa perkara2 yang bisa menyeksakan hatimu, dan penuhkan dirimu wahai hati dengan ilmu dari segenap sudut. agar tiada ruang buat kekecewaan menumpang walau sekelumit di bahagian mu.

apa yang berlaku hari ni, jadikan semangat buat aku, yang bergelar wanita. aku mahu berjaya! itu yang aku mahu.. aku tak mahu perkara lain buat sementara waktu.

ps:// i actually think that allah is fullfill my doa once before.. i want one last love, and i want that love for a marriage... i think Allah really fullfill my doa.. so why should i be sad? i should be gratefull. shouldn't i? yes i should!

saya rasa pelik, nape eh?

something wrong.yes.wrong. ntah hape hape.

i wanna post bout yesterday. just a few. semalam join pertandingan 60an kat kangar ni ha. everything was going fine in the beginning, masuk saringan, lepas saringan, masuk final, buat rehearsal. every single thing is fine. but then bila tiba kat final, damn it! pecah! hampeh betul.

what i didn't understand is why? padahal, semuanya elok awal2, bila tarikh penting everything is spoil. masalahnya, bukan setakat nyanyian, even buat experiment pun suma tak jadi. apa yang berlaku nih?

nervous??

nervous ke? hurm... masa belakang stage tu, memang gila nervous. tapi bila naik stage tu, trus cuba hilangkan nervous.. berjaya. tapi, mungkin bila dah nervous tu, nafas dah habis, jadi tak dapat nak tarik ngan betul. serious, i'm real dissapointed with myself, because i know i can do better than yesterday, but shit la... nape lah jadi cam ni.

everytime nak perform masalahnya. i think it start from preview festkum. belakang pentas confident, bila atas stage, nervous tak hilang, trus performance jadi teruk. damn it lah... nape ni wahai NUR SYAHIDATUL ANIS? apa masalah anda sebenarnya?

mungkinkah saya mengalami masalah tak confident pada diri sendiri? pada bakat sendiri? i really don't know the answer. but sometimes, i know i have talent, but, maybe yes, i don't really confident with it.. sabar je lah..

or maybe i have a stage fright?

from http://www.ehow.com/how_4868091_overcome-stage-fright-singing.html

1. Acquire complete comfort with your performance material. When you are singing, you should focus on the execution rather than frantically attempt to remember lyrics, notes and entrances. Natural nervousness can amplify into full-blown stage fright when you are not secure with the material.

2. Thoroughly warm up your vocal chords and body before a performance. The first affects of stage fright can strongly increase tension in the throat and various muscles throughout the body. Preempt this problem by doing vocal warm-ups, moderate limb stretches and deep breathing exercises.

3. Immerse yourself in the appropriate emotions of the piece and allow your performance to follow suit. Vocal performance is not only entertaining but cathartic for both the singer and the audience. Staying in the moment, as opposed to anticipating mistakes or mishaps that haven't even happened, will push your stage fright to the back your mind.

4. Connect with your audience. One of the scariest things about performing is the idea that everyone's eyes are on you and you alone. You can overcome this fear by feeding on the attention of the audience rather than dreading it. Make eye contact with individual members as if you were the only two in the room, essentially drawing them into your performance.

5. Genuinely enjoy yourself. This might sound simple, but it's easy to allow the anxiety of singing in front of an audience to eclipse the reasons you wanted to sing in the first place. Replace the pressure of not making a mistake with the intention of having a great time.

i should apply this.in future.i hope

in this nearly 21 year of living

i now know what is the real meaning of "group working"

group working is:

a few of people who put their name in a colony, but only few do their works while maybe 1 or two just being a parasit, watching other people do their works.

ps:// maaflah saya jadi "penumpang"

mood: bengang ngan macam2 orang.. parasit n org lain buat kerja, dia dapat nama.. geram? sorry for those harsh words. sape makan cili, dia rasa pedas

something to learn

last few days pergi uthm, utk join festival keroncong makum. bertolak hari khamis pagi sampai khamis malam kat UTHM. memang tak buat apa dah.. penat gila.. sampai2 je trus mandi2 then tido sampai pagi tu.

owh ye, saya tak sempat mengundi utk pemilihan MPP UniMAP. ni ada lah nak sesat kan topik. this is the first time unimap buat pilihan raya. before this, masa unimap tak buat pilihan raya, suma sibuk ckp unimap tade PRK. then tengok kali ni, bila ada buat pilihan raya, ada plak yang malas nak turun mengundi.. KASI LUKU JE KEPALA BEBUDAK EDUCATED NIH. banyak cakap tapi action tak buat.

well aku tak ngundi sebab, masa aku nak mengundi tu, kena beratur sangat panjang sebab tenet sangat lembab. tak sempat nak daftar. then dorang decided transfer student pergi kampung wai utk mengundi.. mana dan aku nak pi kampung wai.. bas nak gi UTHM da sampai ULU. so, terpaksa la tinggalkan aja... zip mouth kalo calon pilihan aku tak jadi MPP. huhuhu

sambung cita kat UTHM tu. at first we thought ada lah bengkel keroncong. rupa2nya tak de plak. datang2 trus rehearsal key and hari ahad tu trus bertanding. and know what, bertanding pagi.. damn it.

something happened that morning. waktu menyanyi tu, suara kuar suara ayam. hahah.. maybe sebab tak cukup warm up suara. banyak buat breathing je. haish.. yes i damn dissapointed with my self. first because keroncong is one of my favourite. always perform this kind of song kalu kat luar. unfortunately, because tak ready betul2 i fail.

but at least i do learn something from here. first, do have enough preparation before going for a competition, do have a good warm up, and do not give a high expectation.

seriously, i tak rasa kecewa tak menang, just kecewa with myself because i know i can do better then what i do there. but future, i'll try my best from what happened in keroncong 2011.

fortunately, our band get 3rd place. and sangat respect budak2 UPSI. sangat smart arrangemnt korang. 2nd time represent UniMAP main violin, memang this time, i gain a lot of experiences.
congrats to all of you.. next time try to do better

ps:// i really really really really really miss ISMMA. and also my life in SGB. feels like i didn't depend on people to guide me while playing violin and something that i can say there was 'the top of my life'. i really need that violin spirit right now. i really2 miss you all.. and i miss myself

update.. ngee~~~

well, it has been a hard time.. terpaksa tumpang komputer orang lain utk online... aishhh.. actually not computer... tapi line tenet sebenarnya.. unimap wang ulu still tak ley update blog..even after using proxy pun.. sob sob

ok.. sepanjang tak update nih, banyak benda yang berlaku.. sakit mata obviously... till now, i'm doubt macam mana bley kena sakit mata tu.. but maybe berjangkit dengan my younger brother.. huhuh.. terkilan gak sebab tak dapat join sayembara puisi kat UMP.. huhu... sakit mata sampai kuar darah bley... doktor tu cakap, dlm mata ada luka.. and kelopak mata kena infection.. sob sob

but among all the event yang berlaku, yang paling i'll remember ialah, family gathering kat gunung ledang resort.. best.. the place is ok..

event for 3 days 2 nights. masa hari kedua tu, sebab sejuk, i sampai tak mandi sampai ke petang.. well actually bukan sebab sejuk, tapi sebab organize event.. heheh.. quite a success one. so here's the story.

waktu organize the first night karaoke, i feel like tersangat lah kosong majlis tu. well, jadi mc kan.. so, after semua habis, i gather all the cousin and suggest an award ceremonies utk all my aunts and uncle.

so, selepas an hour, dah siap apa award nak, so, i said mintak kutip sorang dua ringgit esoknya. nak beli hadiah. and dah siap2 siapa juru audit undi utk esok, bendahari, ajk multimedia, mamarazi, ajk hadiah and paling important memastikan ianya adalah rahsia dr pengetahuan yang lain2.. heheh

esok pagi, i wake up early, lepas sarapan, terus buat kad undi. and ada lah berlaku few funny things between the voters.. ngee.. especially yang kecik2 ni.. ada 4 org, my younger brother, zafran, ajib and raihana.. i allowed them to discuss nak undi siapa.. heheh

after siap2 kira undi and kutip duit suma, my cousin (kak dilla and kak iekin kot) gi beli hadiah n kek utk birthday and anniversary ayah lang n mak lang..

n malam tu event pun berlansung... well for me, i'm not satisfied with my self because i can't manage the sequence so well. but thanks a lot kat kak dila n hafiz sebab berjaya jadi mc yang nice and cover my worst part.huhuhu...

so, here's a few trivia..

ada 30 orang yang vote suma..
ada antara anak buah yang decide " ko undi mak aku, aku undi mak ko"
ada cousin yang undi parent sendiri... hurmmm.. sape tu heheh
ada satu undi rosak utk uncle paling popular.
undi paling tinggi ialah 16 undian utk both aunty paling popular and aunty paling anggun
ejaan aunty ditukar jadi 'anutie'

itu je kot... nnt lah update lagi..huhuhu.. till then daaa~~~

ini kawan saya 2

haaa.... kali ni siapa pulak? heheheh... orang yang dimaksudkan perlu merasa bangga ye. kerana.. this is my first entry in 2011... aside from that, this is the 200th post... hahahh... siapa yang kena? mai mai tgk bawah

Alia Najiah Lokman

nape gambar ko suma nye berdua? susah nak cari yang ko alone... hahah

ye andalah kami cari.. ni ialah cik Alia ye.. huhuh... harap maaf, orang yang anda dail sudah berpunya... heheh

sesi perkenalan: sesi perkenalan dia ngan aku bermula dari friendster. aku add dia sebab dia kawan kepada kawan aku. awal2 tu memang aku tak rapat sangat ngan dia neh... pastu bila aku dapat tau dia kmpk, aku plak nak apply kmpk, so aku start contact ngan dia la... mintak info skit sebanyak ngan dia. then melalut-lalut sampailah macam2 problem aku cerita ngan dia... menariknya, kami tak pernah jumpa, but boleh hu ha hu ha macam org gila dalam chat.. ngeee

about her from my view: hurm.. what about her? well tak banyak. sebab tak betul2 kenal.. but she's a great listener. bila aku ada masalah je, memang aku akan bercerita ngan dia laaa... skype penghubung.. ngeee~

orang yang tak segan nak berkongsi apa2.. knowledge ke time ke.. but at least tak kongsi BF lah kan.. wakaka... and bila aku ckp "alia tolong online", nnt mesti dia online n buzz... and mula la bercerita macam2.. best.... biasalah perempuan kalo bercerita, ada lah hal2nye kan... but hanya aku ngan dia la tau hal apa.. huhu

setia.. yup. alah, kalo ingat ex, it's normal lah. aku pun selalu teringat ex aku. but, bg aku, kalo org yang aku kapel skang ni membahagiakan aku, wat apa aku nak tunggu org yang dah dump aku kan.. same situation here. tapi, normal.. bf skang memang akan jeles ngan ex-bf. but insyaAllah, cik Alia n his BF now insyaAllah akan berkekalan. huhu...

sabar. yup sebab susah sebenarnya cinta jarak jauh ni..apatah lagi terpisah dek lautan n benua..wakakak...

kenapa best kawan ngan dia? : best sebab first, aku suka menulis. n always aku meluahkan perasaan aku via tulisan. aku kurang sket bercerita melainkan kalo betul2 depressed. so, adanya dia nih, chat. kind of menulis lah kan.. she's a good listener... banyak support aku la

kami ada sort of persamaan. musician (aku violin, dia saxaphone ye kot..hahah), student ipta (dia ukm, aku unimap), kami ex kmpk, minat johnny depp..ahahahhha... so, ada je la benda utk dibualkan. means banyak la benda dia nak layan aku merepek. huhuh..

apa lagi ek? banyak sebenarnya.. yang pentin, aku senang dengan ko.. selesa. tak nyakitkan hati..hahahahha... pape pn.terima kasihlah atas layanan ko ke atas aku.. haha.. tu je ah... have fun weh..

ps:// hope to hang out with you sometimes :)

gudbye 2010... hello 2011

tingal beberapa jam je lagi sebelum masuk tahun 2o11.. hello new year.. i hope a lot of luck will surround me this year.. insyaAllah... as i said, i wish to have one last post for 2010. so here we go... wanna talk about what happened in this year.. tak kisah la pape kan. but rasa cam nak wat apa yang best n apa yang tak best sepanjang tahun 2010 nih..

yang best

• alhamdulillah dapat kembali ke melaka. bawak balik ke perlis satu kemenangan "johan dondang sayang MAKUM. heheh
• join nasyid belia kebangsaan di terengganu.. alhamdulillah tempat ke-tiga..walaupun ada beberapa perkara yang tak best kat sana yang bakal diceritakan nanti
• festkapp join and won 2nd place irama malaysia.. hek3
• banyak gi jenjalan.. untung woo bawah unimap ni...huhuhu
• join festkum wakil unimap irama malaysia perempuan.. won 2nd place even waktu latihan memang sangatlah teruk... kire terbayar penat lelah.. ngee~
• first time dapat join family day maasom akidah. i mean while i'm realizing. dulu pon join gak... but kecik lagi... huhuhu.. best..even ada yang tak best... argghhh
• banyak show..esp nasyid.. sebab bulan puasakan. jadi nasyid diutamakan
• first time dapat nyanyi depan tuanku raja muda n tuanku raja permaisuri muda perlis.. great honour utk perform depan dorang n dapat pujian dr raja permaisuri muda n others. ngee~ bangga
• seronok kejar kelas.. sebelum ni tak pun, tapi seronok gi kelas sebab masuk banyak event but still can manage my class well
• first time bawak kereta kat perlis which follow up with yang tak best

yang tak best

• sabotaj!!!! grr.. masa nasyid terengganu.. i am so not hearing the girls voice actually dat time, finally i make their voicing.. hilang terus.. besides our 3rd solo punya mic tak bukak.. aish... and ada plak makhluk2 yang main sindir2.. baru la jumpa org melayu yang busuk hati.. haish!
• maasom akidah family day, i diberi peluang utk organize one performance from padang rengas punya family... and we sort of tak cukup practice, so,the performance was worst... tak pe lah.. pengalaman
• banyak sakit. demam. batuk sangat banyak. adoi.. kesihatan sangat tak baik dis year.
• hampir accident... masa first time bawak manual kat perlis. damn it.
• my opah meninggal..:( keilangan yang tiada ganti.. sob sob
• fall in love with two person which are damn impossible for them to accept. they know nothing, so i guess i'm still safe

banyak sebenarnya.. but a lot of private things... so, biarlah ini sahaja yang dipaparkan...

as i said, my health in 2010 sangat2lah teruk... so, here are few things which i think i'll buy once duit PT masuk nnt:

1. vitamin
2. pati ayam brands

and other things that is related.. but those two things i'll buy it.. heheh

well people... happy new year... apa azam anda?

ini kawan saya 1

hohoho... kawan saya ni telah minta saya wat satu post untuk dia... but saya buat ni bukan sebab dia mintak k... but sebab tertingal nama dia dalam appreciation for festkum ri tu.. hehehh.. sorry naa.. jangan marah n jangan sedih..

Nazrul Aziz

tu dia hang tuah pakai baju pink.. errkk..pink ke merah? rabun warna sat (-.-")

ye ke nama dia nazrul aziz ek? i barely know him la... i mean in detail.. we're friend, but, i tak habis explore lagi nih.. heheh

sesi perkenalan: bermula di dalam van masa nak gi dondang sayang. en nazrul ni ialah ahli pantun unimap. hebatkan? madahnye puitis.. ngeh3.. sekali pandang, macam kerek, but bila da bercakap, mula la... adoiii... huhu en nazrul dan rakan2nya telah membetukan sedikit sebanyak pantun untuk nyanyian dondang sayang kami. waktu tu maksud suda ada, cuma pembayang sahaja tak sesuai. dondang sayang kalo nak nyanyi kena ada 9 suku kata. lebey kurang la.. maka, dalam van sewaktu mula perjalanan dr unimap ke tempat2 berkaitan, mereka tolongla sedikit sebanyak.. heheheh..

about him from my view: hurm.. camne nak mula ek? ok... selain dr mejadi ahli pantun unimap, dia juga merupakan seorang emcee.. errkkk.. betul eh ejaan dia camtu? watever.. nak dijadikan cerita, he needs a lot of self control, sebab sometimes, without intention, akan terkeluar "high key"... hanya orang2 tertentu sahaja yang faham maksud nih. but, they make a very good trio on stage when jadi emcee. him, kak aida n coki. sebab tak penah tgk naz sorang2 lagi jadi emcee... biasa tgk ngan kak aida or bertiga.. heheh

he is an outspoken person. what he hate, he'll say. at least for me. sepanjang kawan ngan en naz ni, da banyak dah kena tegur.. especialy bout my appearence. sometimes, yes hurt. but i won't take a long time to accept. he's telling the truth, ta de maknanya nak tarik2 muka maki2 dalam hati bila org tegur menda yang betul. some people say that i'm heartless, but this is the reason why.. no point for me nak tacing2 kalo menda betul. kan?

aside from that, beliau lah yang berada di belakang tabir ketika saya down waktu latihan festkum. datang menemani saya latihan, and we got a lot of talk. thanks sebab "mengaku" saya awek awak ye wak eh... hehehe... jokes.. but bila kita ada dengan org yang kita comfortable and trust to expess our feeling, sometimes it gives a lot help with our emotions. and there he is... but bukan la dia sorang je.. ada orang lain.. kang ada je yang fire aku sebab statement yang aku keluarkan... adoii

kenapa best kawan ngan dia? : no hipokrit. he'll talk whatever he wants. i'll survive better dengan orang yang outspoken dr org yang pura2 suka padahal belakang kutuk but, naz wat camtu tak naz? kalu naz wat, tak mo kawan dah. hehehe.. once a person said something about me, 'll take time to think back of waht they said.. this help me. but... jangan pasni outspoken sangat ye naz... kita slow2 sket..ngeh3

aside from that, ada je topik yang nak dibualkan.. kekadang start ngan A but ending ngan Z... but seriously, best.. tapi kekadang penat gelak.. hek3..

ada lagi sebabnya.. tak ley cakap lelebey... kang kembang plak... huhuhu.. that's all lah... ngeh3.. thanks naz...sebab sudi jadi kawan isya..huhu..

-out-

kerana pengalaman

kerana lirikan kau jatuh cinta,
kerna senyuman kau tiada berdaya,
sehingga membuat ku tak percaya,
begitu cepatnya hatimu tergoda,
sedangkan aku tiada merasa,
sayang sungguh sayang,
ku ada yang punya,
baik kau cari yang lain saja

andainya aku oh masih sendiri,
aku terima dengan hati gembira,
ini semua jadi pengalaman,
gagalnya cinta awal persahabatan,
baiknya sekarang,
engkau fikirkan

aku ucapkan terima kasih,
atas cintamu pada diriku,
baiklah kau cari yang lain saja,
kerana diriku ada yang punya

pernah dengar lagu ni? mesti tak pernahkan? lagu ni di popluarkan oleh zaleha hamid.. dangdut beb dangdut.. huhuh... well aku search kat you tube and indonesia cakap ada one of heir singer punya lagu, but who cares. aku suka dengar. lantak ah... hahah.. aku sanggup taip lirik lagu ni tau... cr kat en google tak de plak... (-.-")

actually, aku suka lagu ni sebab lagu ni sesuai sangat dengan situation aku sekarang.. but, bukan aku yang tujukan lagu ni kat org tu,org tu yang tujukan lagu ni kat aku. walaupun he's not really dedicating this song to me.. aku je yang pandai2.. ngee~

the song is so in to me.. i mean the lyrics. mudahnya aku jatuh hati kat dia.. tergoda.. aww.. tapi dia tak de pape pun... maybe dia anggap aku as friend only, friend yang biasa2 sahaja..

the lyrics "begitu cepatnya hatimu tergoda sedangkan aku tiada merasa"... kena sangat lah tu.

damn it ape lah senang sangat jatuh hati ni? i think i should go away.. sekarang ni pun, if nampak dia online, i'll offline my chat. it's not about him actually.. it's about me. i'm helping myself so that i won't hurt myself. coz i don't deserve anyone love right now. i won't manage it well

ps:// i really hope he'll not readin this.. will cause me a lot of touble... not him in the post, but another one, my friend,the one who always protect me from this kind of stupid stuff. but seriously, i am so glad to have you coz you always care bout me, even sometimes you're annoying to me

izinkan saya jadi stalker page awak

.tak kira la FB ke Blog ke.

.saya ak boley nak luahkan banyak2 walaupun pada kawan2 saya.

.sebab bila saya luahkan, tiba2 awak hampakan saya.

.saya takut.

.saya tak boleh nak berhadapan dengan perkataan kecewa.

.jadi, benarkan saya suka kat awak.

.walaupun awak tak tahu.

.walaupun awak tak kan tahu.

.tapi inilah yang ada dalam hati saya.


mood: singing cinta dalam hati..

ps:// i wish he knows what i feel, but at the same time, i wish he don't know.. (T.T)